When the Light Comes On

Dreamers often lie. Dreams usually die. Dreamers forget to try. Dreams of dreamers die because dreamers forget to try. Today I woke up from my fantasy and realized that I had been submersed in your lies. Baptized by your truths, and left hanging on to your every word as if I needed them more than my next breath. I thought I needed your truths more than my next heart beat or the blood coursing through my veins. I lie starving for your affection as if it was my only protection. All the while you kept feeding me more and more deception. Never noticing that your perception of who I ought to be was damaging the woman I was created to be. Sitting in your arms, swimming in your aroma, dying to words. Dying to myself. Poetic genocide or was it suicide. My words weren’t good enough. My meter wasn’t creative enough. I was too young to know what it meant to write words that could reach the masses. I believed you. Today when I lie down and greet my cloud of dreams, it won’t be another night spent reliving memories. I gave up your perception…dreams, aspirations, and desires…They are all lost in effort…tired, sleepless...restless...loveless...I was lost in pursuit. Relieved that hurt reminded me of life. But I’m not content with speaking of love in past tense. I tense because I know my smile radiates distinction. I needed to replace you. Now I need to embrace you. My body grows weak. Yet my thoughts don’t chase you. Expressed in action…shown in honesty....died by trust, now I trust me. Picking up the pieces of my shattered image I realize that I am a reflection of my poetic expression and I will not apologize.

A Poet's Poison

I don’t want to get so lost in the pursuit of you that I forget to be true to me. Forget to take care of me, to make time for me, to speak life in the form of poetry. To speak to the heart and the soul of me, the thing that makes me whole again. There's that hole again. The one I keep sliding into when my words don’t make sense to you. Not because I don’t make sense to you but because my words aren’t common scents to you. You can’t SMMMMMEEELLLLLLLL what my mind is cooking. Taking sundry words and exposing my mind to time. It’s time to delve in the realm of places unexplored and lose who you think I am in a sea of words. Just promise to drown me in the sound of my heart beating sweet melodies of death. So that when I die, I die true to the reflection of imperfection that always looked back at me. Back to the first word on the first day that life made cents and dollars for me. For it was then that I knew that my words had worth and gave birth to the poet that’s shackled inside of me. Inside of me is where lyrics are the poison that drives me to creative insanity and mental ecstasy. Words do more than any man can do for me. Think you can handle me? Then pick up a pen and demand some respect from me.

Tangled Up In You...the beginning

Slow melodic strides that take me where I want to go and intrigue onlookers as I glide casually through their midst. As cool as a winter breeze in the still of the night after an erroneous battle beneath the rage of the sun. Heads turn as minds begin to wonder and question the image of imperfection that vision has revealed. A glimpse of beauty that few have wished to behold, a treasure in the making, the quintessence of my soul.

My spirit was as free as its allowed to be while the heart remains possessed with no desire to be unleashed. Thoughts of fornication seeped in without notice while fantasy and reality became intertwined. Expressions from my soul that the mouth longs to utter, remain shackled to the memories that appear surreal

UNTITLED

I miss the sound of your words...not gone are the days when I look through old papers and read the words that bring such tender delight, soft kiss, deep strokes, no inhibitions just written restrictions...I sit and wait for you to miss me....missing the way your eyes used to kiss me...memories dance around my thoughts, thoughts dance around my pen. my pen dances around you...my paper longs for you...longs for your words, words that bleed truth, truth that begets passion....passion...past action...writing in a language that only the greatest can master…writing faster…righting wrongs faster…fasting writing because I can’t find the page master…the master of my page…I walk on stage and create a lyrical disaster…like a pastor misleading his flock…only my people can’t follow my heart’s desire…the words don’t reach them…and I can’t teach them…and I don’t wanna keep them…because they belong to you but my passion will always reflect a past action of a passion that begot truth…because my words bleed truth and the truth is that my words long to reach you with no inhibitions nor written restrictions….

Wellness gone Write

It started out as a wellness blog. Then I woke up and realized that it's easier to commit to things that are real. People that are real. Real people. And I guess I wasn't real with myself. I'm not ready to lose the weight. I want to lose the weight. I want to be in better health but truth of the matter is, now is not the time...

So, instead of deleting the page and have my thoughts flying around in cyber space, I figured I'd try something that was real to me. I would try to write. Write my talent back into existence. I thought that my passion was gone, but my heart is in book. As long as books and word have the power to move me, my passion will continue to thrive. I thought that I would be able to write because I reconnected with my muse but muses are temporary fixes. I thought I would be able to write if I had all the right words, but maybe I don't. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what to write. Maybe I don't have an audience to write to. Maybe I don't have the right words. Maybe I do.

But what if....

What if I can do it alone? What if pouring my words into a machine is what my soul really needs? ... What if it's what the world needs? What if it's what I've been afraid of? But what if? What if? What if its what I need?

My fingers shake. My mind races. My heart is pounding through my chest. I'm excited. I think I'm a few strokes away from a panic attack and yet I've never felt more alive and terrified than I do write now. Write now...Write now...I must write now



Lovely Kinks Out

Day 4

30 minutes of ABs with Denise Austin. I don't like her. Her workouts are really good and I feel them the next day so I know that they are working but I hate this burn!! Oh the things we endure for the pursuit of fitness.

Food choices were much better today. I did have a mini almond joy for a mid day pick me up, but for the most part I'm doing a lot better. I ate 3 meals today and none of them were too fattening, that they made me feel guilty about them later.

On a brighter note...INSANITY is here!!! I'm super excited aboout finally having the workout that I wanted. I know that this is about to get real serious real quick but I think that mentally I am ready for this. I want to see this product work so bad that I am willing to put in the work. I just hope that I can maintain. But for the most part I have a really good support team and I think that they will keep me accountable.

Daily Struggle:
I took the pictures like I promised but this is the first time that I have actually looked at my body like this, and it was pretty gross. So they wont be posted right now.

Day 3

Nothing went well for me yesterday! The site that I ordered my insanity from—DISAPPEARED. I did not eat things that were good for me. I did not workout. I did not write in my blog neither did I take the pictures that I promised to take. I feel like such a liar. Granted I did suffer a huge loss, but even worse, I am struggling to keep my word.

It SUCKED!

Daily Struggle:
Life.

Day 2 (Tuesday)

Okay so the good thing is that I actually took the first step and worked out yesterday! Denise Austin and I worked on our hips, buns, and thighs; I thought I was going to DIE. The workout itself was only 30 minutes but it was a challenge. I guess I am just now realizing how totally out of shape I really am. I knew it was bad but it is very bad.

If I really want to drop these 50 pounds then I am going to have to kick it up a notch. I think that 4 days a week I am going to try to walk/job for an hour to boost my efforts. I know that running and replacing all other fluid consumption with water, is the best way for me to drop weight fast but I’m so out of shape that I can not think about running without getting winded.

Daily Struggle:
Pushing play was the hardest thing for me to do today. Yet once I started, I was happy that I did it. I was also upset that I could not work out at the gym. Stupid people at the gym but I got over it and saved a little money in the process. I forgot the pictures but I’ve taken them and they will be posted tonight along with my day 3 workout update.

LATE Day 1 Post

OK, so I have been slacking. Day 1 (Monday) did not go so well for me. It seems like I have the mindset that I need but my will power is lacking.

This is not for anyone other than me, yet for the life of me, I have not committed my body to following through with my hearts desires. Words without actions are lies. Moreover, the last thing I want to do is lie to myself.

So tonight I will make sure that I post my before pictures and update the blog after my workout. I really want to hold myself accountable for this journey and hopefully, after being called out today, I will be able to do it.

Daily Struggle:
One struggle for me today was actually working out! An even greater issue was exercising portion control. When I first started eating healthier, it was a lot easier for me to eat in smaller portions. However, ever since I started letting myself eat whatever I wanted, getting back on track has been a struggle. I limit what food I bring with me to work but yesterday it was not enough, I was starving! So I made sure to bring more snacks (nuts, prunes, dried apricots, raisins, etc) so that the same thing does not happen today. I also made sure that I put down my eating utensil in between each bite so that I can really enjoy my food.

Day 0

So I've been thinking and I have come to the realization that if I want to do something in life then I am going to have to be proactive and take the necessary steps to get the results that I'm looking for. I want to be the best me that I can be because I deserve nothing less than my absolute best.

Most women, at some point during their lives, reach a point when they are not happy with their body/weight and they want to do something about it. That process looks differently for every woman. Some women become obsessed with their image, others set goals and steps and then work to achieve them, then there are pills and surgeries, and the list can go on and on for days.

Personally, I'm a goal setter. I know what my target weight is (130) and I know that i would like to be there before my 22nd birthday. Is it possible? Sure. Am I willing to work hard to make my goal a reality. I sure hope so.

So I am keeping a journal to hold myself accountable. Nothing stings worse than the scent of public embarrassment!! So this is my personal record of accountability. Until my insanity workout DVD arrives, I plan on working out 4 times a week, and keeping a DAILY record of my progress. So we will see how it goes.....

Starting weight: 181
Initial weight loss: 10 pounds (only changing my eating habits: no sodas and fast food once a month)